SXSW: Lil Wayne

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You can tell a lot about the status of a label head by which stars show up to marquee events. So, for this showcase for Lil Wayne's Young Money imprint, we got faceless UK crooner Jay Sean, back-from-the-dead growler Mystikal, "American Idol" alum Chris Richardson, teen rapper Lil Chuckee, some white MC who looked like he was trying out for the Fonz role in a "Happy Days" revival, hashtag joke Gudda Gudda, nose-to-earring specialist Shanell, a disturbingly all-grown-up Bow Wow, famed hanger-on Mack Maine, and maybe one or two more I forgot and didn't write down.

Which means there was no Drake. No Nicki Minaj. Not even Tyga could make it. And no Busta Rhymes-- which is especially egregious considering this show doubled as a launch for Wayne's Mountain Dew-pushing DEWeezy campaign and Busta has a storied history with the nuclear-colored bubble-sugar beverage. There was no sign of new Young Money signing Limp Bizkit either, though their highly questionable influence was felt throughout Wayne's set, which continues to go for elusive rap-rock glory, good taste be damned.

But what tipped this show from disappointing to depressing was the Mountain Dew shit. Listen: I'm not any sort of knee-jerk DIY evangelist-- there's a lot of interesting things happening with music and branding right now and it's certainly worth study rather than simple disdain. That said, there was something particularly curdling about Wayne-- a true weirdo, for better and worse-- turning his own individuality into horribly lame sloganeering. "It's not what you do, it's how you do it," ! he said at one point, aiming for inspiration, I guess. Admittedly, he quickly mocked his own bullshit, calling it a "Mountain Dew commercial," but there's no denying the fact that this show ended with Wayne holding a plastic bottle of the neon green stuff and repeating, "Do you." And when he did his verse from "I'm on One", rapping, "You're a sellout, and I ain't buying," the words came out like crass self-parody.

Length of Wayne's set: One hour

Amount of time I spent worrying Wayne would trip and fall, banana-peel-style, on the skateboard he brought out with him: One hour

Songs from Drake's Take Care played by DJ before Wayne's set: Five

Times Wayne skateboarded across the stage: Five

Times Wayne fell down while skateboarding across the stage: Zero

Choice hearsay from an audience member: "If you're in a band called Young Money, you'd better throw dollars into the crowd."

Dollars thrown into the crowd: Zero

Number of songs given tacky rap-rock rearrangements: All of them

Level of revulsion at Bow Wow's explicit sex raps: Very high

Level of confusion caused by Shanell's facial piercing strategy: Still very high

Level of confusion caused by Shanell's existence onstage: Still very high

Best chain: Lil Chuckee's, which featured Chuckie from Nickelodeon's "Rugrats"

Amount of Mountain Dew left in Wayne's bottle at the end of the show: All of it

Times Wayne picked up the bottle of Mountain Dew only to quickly put it down and pick up a bottle of water instead: One

Check out all of Pitchfork's SXSW 2012 coverage here